It was very hard for me to write a year-end note to myself knowing that mere days before the New Year rang in; I made the most stupidest mistake of the year – something that involves men.
To cut the story short, I was fooled by some disturbed psycho for a few days to believing into someone he is not – an online poser. I must admit that I saw the red flags in the beginning but this dude was able to put my guard down and got me on my weakness. It took a matter of days before my FBI skills kicked in and I was able to expose his deceit.
To be honest it’s an embarrassing thing to be talking about it that I had to hide this post from friends who initially knew about the matter. Whether I received enough support or advice from said friends about the matter is also another topic for discussion. But as a 30+ self-respecting single woman who’s been looked up by some of my younger friends for staying strong this long, I take full responsibility for this mistake and am truly sorry for failing some of them.
Was I really thankful for that gut feeling that led me to expose him? No. I actually feel betrayed! Here I am already suffering from other kinds of men misfortunes for so long, do I really deserve this trickery? Wow. I feel like the knife is being twisted on me! Suddenly, I couldn’t trust myself anymore and thought I needed a lobotomy. I kept myself distracted for a few days with books and TV series (would you believe that I just downloaded Netflix) just to stop myself thinking about this whole mess. And trust me; Money Heist was a very good distraction.
But in the spirit of self-care, I’ll allow myself to be kinder and once again charge all these things to experience. It’s just that if I don’t write about it, it’s just like those issues at work that come and gone without documentation and solution. At this moment, I don’t have any rallying words to myself to cheer me up this 2020 so I’ll just hold on to this line in the above-mentioned TV series’ official soundtrack…
If I’m losing now but I’m winning late that’s all I want…
By this time, I’m not delusional anymore to reach for anything grand as that “winning”. Simply not losing is already winning for me.