It was very hard for me to write a year-end note to myself knowing that mere days before the New Year rang in; I made the most stupidest mistake of the year – something that involves men.
To cut the story short, I was fooled by some disturbed psycho for a few days to believing into someone he is not – an online poser. I must admit that I saw the red flags in the beginning but this dude was able to put my guard down and got me on my weakness. It took a matter of days before my FBI skills kicked in and I was able to expose his deceit.
To be honest it’s an embarrassing thing to be talking about it that I had to hide this post from friends who initially knew about the matter. Whether I received enough support or advice from said friends about the matter is also another topic for discussion. But as a 30+ self-respecting single woman who’s been looked up by some of my younger friends for staying strong this long, I take full responsibility for this mistake and am truly sorry for failing some of them.
Was I really thankful for that gut feeling that led me to expose him? No. I actually feel betrayed! Here I am already suffering from other kinds of men misfortunes for so long, do I really deserve this trickery? Wow. I feel like the knife is being twisted on me! Suddenly, I couldn’t trust myself anymore and thought I needed a lobotomy. I kept myself distracted for a few days with books and TV series (would you believe that I just downloaded Netflix) just to stop myself thinking about this whole mess. And trust me; Money Heist was a very good distraction.
But in the spirit of self-care, I’ll allow myself to be kinder and once again charge all these things to experience. It’s just that if I don’t write about it, it’s just like those issues at work that come and gone without documentation and solution. At this moment, I don’t have any rallying words to myself to cheer me up this 2020 so I’ll just hold on to this line in the above-mentioned TV series’ official soundtrack…
If I’m losing now but I’m winning late that’s all I want…
By this time, I’m not delusional anymore to reach for anything grand as that “winning”. Simply not losing is already winning for me.
You are beautiful, intelligent, and strong! Only great things for 2020!