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Dear 2020 Self

Posted on January 3, 2020January 3, 2020 by Cakes

It was very hard for me to write a year-end note to myself knowing that mere days before the New Year rang in; I made the most stupidest mistake of the year – something that involves men.

To cut the story short, I was fooled by some disturbed psycho for a few days to believing into someone he is not – an online poser. I must admit that I saw the red flags in the beginning but this dude was able to put my guard down and got me on my weakness. It took a matter of days before my FBI skills kicked in and I was able to expose his deceit.

To be honest it’s an embarrassing thing to be talking about it that I had to hide this post from friends who initially knew about the matter. Whether I received enough support or advice from said friends about the matter is also another topic for discussion. But as a 30+ self-respecting single woman who’s been looked up by some of my younger friends for staying strong this long, I take full responsibility for this mistake and am truly sorry for failing some of them.

Was I really thankful for that gut feeling that led me to expose him? No. I actually feel betrayed! Here I am already suffering from other kinds of men misfortunes for so long, do I really deserve this trickery? Wow. I feel like the knife is being twisted on me! Suddenly, I couldn’t trust myself anymore and thought I needed a lobotomy. I kept myself distracted for a few days with books and TV series (would you believe that I just downloaded Netflix) just to stop myself thinking about this whole mess. And trust me; Money Heist was a very good distraction.

But in the spirit of self-care, I’ll allow myself to be kinder and once again charge all these things to experience. It’s just that if I don’t write about it, it’s just like those issues at work that come and gone without documentation and solution. At this moment, I don’t have any rallying words to myself to cheer me up this 2020 so I’ll just hold on to this line in the above-mentioned TV series’ official soundtrack…

If I’m losing now but I’m winning late that’s all I want…

By this time, I’m not delusional anymore to reach for anything grand as that “winning”. Simply not losing is already winning for me.

1 thought on “Dear 2020 Self”

  1. Ira says:
    January 12, 2020 at 1:06 am

    You are beautiful, intelligent, and strong! Only great things for 2020!

    Reply

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